Lauren Casper »

pain and peace


This morning I dropped both my little ones off at preschool and returned home to an empty house. I picked up the remnants of the morning rush, reheated my coffee for the third time, and sat down wondering what to do with myself. I hadn’t eaten yet, so I started rummaging through the cupboard to see what looked good.

It’s been a hard week for me. I’ve been having some health issues and got some tough news at a doctor’s appointment last week. Chronic disease can really wear you down sometimes. I’ve been a little extra edgy and emotional  this week. I blame it on the new medication, and that’s probably partly true, but I think I’m just feeling sort of raw.

I decided to run to the store and grab some things for tonight’s dinner and while I was there I grabbed the fixings for a big brunch. I got home and prepared that big brunch just for me. I sat down to eat in quiet and solitude – nothing but the hum of the dishwasher and James Taylor playing softly. It was delicious.

Sometimes I get so busy running around and chasing the kids and trying to do the next right thing that I forget to take care of me. If given a choice to care for myself or my family I’ll pick my family every time. I’d guess most moms are like that. A friend of mine checked in on me the other day and asked how I was doing. I told her I was at peace with everything but still had some sad moments. She knows me well. “Don’t forget that you’re also grieving about the news … maybe give your heart some time and grace that way too.” And with that my heart opened up and the tears started to fall.

Somewhere in the last week of processing things I told myself that I shouldn’t be sad, that it was really the best thing for me, that having faith meant just forging on and moving forward and not letting this get me down. But peace and pain aren’t mutually exclusive. I can have true peace and hurt at the same time. I can be afraid but still trust God. I can grieve a loss but still believe His plans are best.

Maybe you needed to hear that today too – that whatever is happening or hurting in your life right now is held safely in God’s hands, but that doesn’t mean you can’t cry and feel all the normal emotions that go with hard things.


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