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Yesterday’s Pain

I saw this on facebook today and had to promptly share. I can relate so well right now. Infertility, miscarriages, waiting, wondering, leaving babies in Africa… all of it made me the mother I am today. I am well aware each day that there is a lot of room for improvement, but I know the gap would be a lot wider if I hadn’t been through the hurt that brought me to today. I can find joy in hard days that I don’t know that I’d be able to see if not for the pain I went through to get here. I’m in another tough season right now and it’s so nice to be reminded that suffering or struggling is refining and makes us into better, more compassionate, deeper versions of ourselves… if we let it.

We still don’t have any word about when we’ll bring Arsema home. Our case needs to be submitted to the US embassy (Arsema had to get a birth certificate and passport before that could happen) and we’re hoping to get submitted this Thursday, but it is more likely to happen next week. Once the embassy reviews our case it could be anywhere from 2-8 weeks or longer before we travel to bring her home. I’d be lying if I said this wait isn’t excruciating. It’s been over a month since I held my daughter and my arms miss her. We got a video of her yesterday and updated stats on her length and weight today. She’s growing but is still tiny. Her hair is getting longer and her eyes are getting bigger and it hurts so badly to be missing it all. Our agency is working as hard as they can to get her home as soon as possible, but some things are out of their (and our) control. Please continue to pray for her and for us during this time of separation.

We have an important appointment for Mareto with a new doctor tomorrow. We were told it would be the end of May before we could get in to see him, but after an email and a couple of phone calls he moved Mareto to priority status and got us in asap. I’m excited and very nervous. I’m not exactly sure why I’m so nervous as I have a pretty good idea what to expect… but this appointment is a big deal. Please keep this in your prayers as well. I’ll be comfortable sharing more about what’s going on with our boy after we have our appointment and hopefully a little more clarity. Suffice to say that things have been hard in our home for a bit.

But because of yesterday’s waiting, heartache, pain, struggles, and suffering I know that I don’t need to waste this new season of difficulty feeling sorry for myself or wishing things were different. They are the way they are but I know there is so much joy in the midst of this. I have so many special moments with my son every day. He makes me laugh and warms my heart in so many ways. I know that on the other end of this wait for our girl there is so much blessing. I know that next year it won’t seem so long. But most importantly I know that I am being shaped every day by these experiences… I am growing and learning. I am finding that my patience is increasing and my levels of trust and faith are growing. And while it’s sounds corny, I am learning that it’s okay to accept the thing I cannot change and surrender them to prayer… but fight with all my might for the things I can change knowing that God is on my side.

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  • Anna - Am I reading right? MAY?? That is 8 months?wow!
    ! I love this quote. You’ve found a good one. Keep your hands open, it’s all grace.(have you read one thousand gifts by Ann voskamp? It’s a must!)
    . Also this scripture for me today might bless you too,
    “Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
    I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
    When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
    When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
    When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end—
    Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior.” Isaiah 43:2-3 The MessageReplyCancel

  • Jess - I love you perspective on this wait. My heart aches for you in the waiting, and the missing, and the not knowing. I imagine it’s in a way similar, though very different, to my wait for a second husband. When you’ve gone through difficulty the first round, as you have with infertility and miscarriages, you (or at least I) sometimes feel like the second time things should be easier – like “I’ve paid my dues, why is this still so hard?”. I, too, think about the things I might be missing out on while I sit and wait for God’s timing. But then it occurs to me, it’s just that – God’s timing. Which means really, I’m not “missing out” on anything (easier said than realized though), because this wait is exactly what God has planned for my life. The things that are happening outside of my own control are not things I’m “missing”, but rather things I’m not meant to experience. I don’t know if that made sense, but know that you are being lifted in prayer by so many and God has you right in the palm of His hand! (and if you’re looking for some good tunes check out “Steady My Heart” by Kari Jobe, and “As Long as it Takes” by Meredith Andrews, and “All the Poor and Powerless” by All Sons and Daughters…oh and “Brokenness Aside” by them too – I’m loving them lately!)ReplyCancel

  • Kate - I love that picture and saying. How true! I was thinking about all the waiting you have been doing, and actually a little thankful for you not having a baby right this second, hold on before you hate me :) I don’t know all the things going on with Mareto, but I couldn’t imagine all the running around you are doing with a toddle and infant. A little perspective, maybe :)

    When Molly started speech therapy before Lucy was born it was a lot easier the two of us. Then once Lucy came along, I was way more comfortable taking both of them and knowing Molly was in good hands with her therapist.

    Prayers all day and night for your family!ReplyCancel

  • Kelly - I’ve been praying for you so much!ReplyCancel

  • Kelli Belt - So beautifully written Lauren, your faith journey is such an encouragement to me.ReplyCancel

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