Cocooning: Our journey of attachment with Mareto

Today I am so honored to be guest posting over at Rebekah’s blog. She asked me to share a bit about our experience with building the foundations of trust and security with our son when we brought him home…

Mareto was 4 ½ months old when we brought him home from Ethiopia just over a year ago. He had lived in 3 different orphanages for all but 2 weeks of his young life. He had been passed around from home to home, bed to bed, and care giver to care giver. Even in Hannah’s Hope he didn’t always sleep in the same bed, but rotated between 3 different cribs. He had no attachments to any person or object. When we first brought him back to our hotel we marveled over what a peaceful and content baby he was. He almost never cried (but almost never smiled either) and just went with the flow. I know for certain that he was just as content in the hotel restaurant waiter’s arms as he was in my arms. While many could have viewed Mareto as the most mild-mannered and well behaved baby possible, we knew this was not the case. Two years of extensive research had educated us well. We knew that he didn’t cry because it didn’t really matter. There was no one person he trusted to meet his every need. We knew that he was fine with anyone holding him because in his little heart everyone had equal value. We knew that he wasn’t attached to a special blanket, toy, or pacifier because he had never owned anything in his life but shared clothes, blankets, toys, and even cribs with several other babies. It’s heartbreaking to type those words and I hope it’s heartbreaking for you to read them. It should never be this way for a child, but for millions this is their reality. Mareto never got the foundation he deserved. When he left Hannah’s Hope in our arms our number one job as parents was to heal the hurts in his young heart and day by day build that foundation of love and trust he needs so desperately. So the moment we walked in our front door we began “cocooning.”

For a month the only place we went with him was the doctor’s office. The only people who got to meet him during that month were immediate family. We were the only ones to hold, rock, feed, bathe, and comfort him. When he cried we ran to his side and immediately met his needs. When John went back to work Mareto spent nearly every waking moment of his days strapped to my chest in the Moby wrap or Ergo. It was a time of intense bonding and I must say I loved every minute of it. At the end of the first month we ventured out to the grocery store. It terrified Mareto and he was fussy for a few days after that. We went back in our cocoon for another month. Then we ventured out again slowly. We stuck to one outing (post office or grocery store) per week. Then, after we had been home for three months we brought him to church. Even there he stayed securely strapped to my chest in the ergo. People were very respectful in coming up to chat but never touched him, held him, or got in his face in any way. We were home several months before people outside of immediate family were allowed to hold Mareto. We only allowed it when we could see very positive signs that he had bonded well with us and that he understood we were his parents.

Cocooning was an absolutely crucial part to Mareto’s healing process. We have seen such a difference in our boy. He cries and makes it known when he has a need. He smiles and laughs and plays beautifully now. He doesn’t like to be away from us and has a healthy sense of “stranger danger.” He is happy with family and close friends but is appropriately cautious of less familiar people. We are constantly evaluating his needs and adjusting. Our attention to Mareto’s healing did not end at 3 months when we began to venture out. Even recently we attempted church nursery but learned that it was too soon for him. I believe it’s too familiar a scene. He had a common play area and lots of children around in the orphanage setting. He is only content in the nursery if I remain. It’s my joy to satisfy his need and reinforce that trust… that if he needs me, Mama is always there. All of our research and hard work is resulting in an attached little boy who has learned that it’s okay to trust. Attachment parenting is ongoing process, and one that simply cannot be understated for the family who is blessed with a child through adoption.

Here are some pictures of what building attachment looked like for us initially:

lots of chest snuggle time…

lots of time in the moby wrap and ergo carrier…

a whole lotta sleeping together…

lots of kissing and play time…

And no pictures of this, but we take baths and showers together every day.Lots of giggles and lots of bonding!