But isn’t that the point? Shouldn’t we all feel that way to a certain degree. It’s the times when I am the most sure of myself that I am the most likely to screw up. But, when I am utterly convinced of my own inability to do anything that is the precise moment I look to the Lord know that it’s going to have to be HIM … Him working through me to raise this boy to be a man of God. Anything good thing that I have to give to my son was given to me first by the Lord. Any wisdom that allows me to make the right choices for his well being was granted to me by God. Any patience during 3am wake ups comes from the love of Christ working in my heart. The steadfast resolve while training him (and saying no 36 times and removing his hand from whatever item he’s after when I really just want to give up and carry him to another room because that would be easier in the moment) comes from the strength of the Lord. Any perspective about a hard short-term to result in a beneficial long-term comes from the Lord’s eyes. They are gifts of grace given to me from a Father who loves me and loves my son.
Motherhood has taught me to lean on and appreciate that grace more than ever. It has made me more sensitive to the conviction of the Holy Spirit and made me even more eager to run to the Lord for forgiveness, wisdom, and living water. Not because motherhood is so hard or frustrating because honestly (though there are certainly hard moments) it’s the most joyful, rewarding, exciting, wonderful thing in the world! Never a day goes by that I am not in awe that I get to be a mother. No… I run to Jesus because my son is watching me. I run to Jesus because I want him to run to Jesus. I run to Jesus because the overpowering love I feel in my heart when I look at my son is just a drop in the ocean of love that God feels for me. I understand a little more and it makes me fall even deeper in love with Him. I run to Jesus because my eyes are opened just a bit more each day and I know that I need Him.
I longed for motherhood for many years in the hope that I would have the honor of leading a little child to Jesus… and the amazing gift is that he leads me closer to Jesus every single day.