Lauren Casper »

pain in the waiting…

I think I’ve reached a new phase of this adoption journey. Through it all we’ve met some amazing people and grown spiritually in ways we weren’t expecting. The paperwork process went through with only a hiccup or two… but always easily fixed. We’ve only been on the wait list for just under 3 months and the numbers are moving quickly! Our fund raising efforts have gone really well and we’ve been so amazed a people’s generosity. We have every reason to be sitting back happy as clams at the way things are going…. and that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell my heart at 1am when it can’t stop racing.
It’s become almost routine for the last week or so. The day ends and I am exhausted from all the activity and goals accomplished. We climb into bed and I can’t wait for the light to be turned out. My eyes are watering because I’m so tired and I can’t stop yawning. I snuggle in and roll on my side fully expecting to immediately fall in a deep sleep… and I almost do. But then I don’t … and I don’t… and I don’t… I just can’t fall asleep. As tired as I am there’s one thing on my heart. Tucker. He’s just there and I can’t stop thinking about him. So I lay there and wonder where he is, if he’s okay, if he’s hungry, if he’s sick, if someone’s holding him, if his birth mom is okay… is she well and just too young, or is she sick and dying? The questions break my heart because I don’t know the answers and each one is a very real possibility.

Somewhere along the line a change occurred. I went from being a mommy in waiting to being a mother. I’m already there – but my baby’s not yet here. Just imagine how difficult it is to be a mom with your heart held by a tiny being half way around the world… a tiny person you’ve never met and who might very well be hurting. Yes, it’s agony at times. So, in the wee hours of the morning I lay awake while thoughts and worries race through my mind. All I can do is pray. I can’t get on a plane. I can’t call the agency and beg them for my referral and an immediate court date. I can’t see his face yet. So I pray… I lay there and beg God to hold Tucker because I can’t. I beg God to protect his little heart and body. I ask the Great Physician to be with his birth mommy. Let her be okay, please God. I ask Him to help me. Help my heart in the waiting… but keep it slightly broken. Because I want to be broken for the orphan always… don’t ever let me become hard or apathetic. I pray for trust… trust that he’ll provide for our needs. I will admit that I’ve had moments of panic. We have just over $10,000 left to raise… that amount seems so huge to me… I’ve asked my husband in worry “how will that happen?” and he reminds that that God can do anything and He’ll make it happen. It’ comforts me …

…until the blackness and silence of night comes and I’m reminded that we’re an ocean and $10,000 away from our son… and my heart throbs as tears fall on the sheets.

I’ve heard other adoptive moms talk about this. This time of urgency mixed with frustration and agony. I guess I’m there. And all I can do is pray…

will you please pray with me?

©2009 Living By Faith

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