Lauren Casper »

{One Last Time…} & Happy Mother’s Day

 Today is Mother’s Day and this year feels just a little bit different to me. For the past 5 years I have dreaded this day. I think it’s been the most hated day on the calendar for me. I used to pray that I would get sick just so I would have an excuse not to attend church. The thought of another sermon all about the joys of motherhood made my heart break. All the calls of “Happy Mother’s Day” throughout the church halls filled me with pain and I barely endured until it was finally time for that awful day to end.

Why on earth would I feel that way? Because for years I begged God to give me a child. I rejoiced when I finally got that little plus sign … and I was crushed to the core when I lost that baby. I endured a season of depression and pain that I’ll never forget only to get another plus sign followed by another loss. Then nothing. For 2 1/2 years and a million tears there was nothing. So, a day that threw all of my hopes and dreams in my face and laughed at me … a day that showed me that nearly every woman I knew could experience a joy I would die for but just couldn’t make happen… well, that day just seemed cruel.

But this year is just a little different. This year will be my last with empty arms. This year I will still probably cry when I get home from church. I’ll still ache as I listen to the sermon. But I’ll know … just a few more months… this is the last time. It’s the last time I’ll have to fake a smile and it’s the last time I spend all morning with a lump in my throat. Because I have a little boy coming. He’s out there an ocean away. I don’t know if he’s waiting in a belly or a bed… but he’s mine. He’s my little boy and I love him. Next year I’ll be holding him. Next year there will be giggles and toes and smiles and diapers and runny noses and kisses and curls…

With Christ’s help I’ll make it … one last time

©2009 Living By Faith

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